**My Fabulous Life**

 If I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I've never found a best friend like this. I can't believe that after all this time and all the hurt from all of the girl friends ive had in the past ive finally found someone who i love as much as they love me. It's weird because you don't find people like this all the time. You don't find someone who is so much like you on so many levels and who you can trust and is such a fucking bad ass at everything. I love everything we do together and I really just wasn't expecting this at all. I finally feel the same connection that Emily and Jaimie feel and I'm so thankful for it. I have a boyfriend and a best friend and I'm probably the happiest I've been in a long time. The only thing that's missing is a job.

 I'm tired and sick of spending my days doing nothing. I need a purpose for my life.

So first of all, come June 30, I will have no where to live. I have a dining room table and coffee and end tables and my parents have no where to put them at their house. I can't afford an apartment by myself and Ila is moving in with someone else and I have no friends to room with. I can't find a full time job to afford an apartment by myself and my dad is allergic to my dog. So basically, I'm fucked unless some miracle happens soon.

Second of all, I am not going back to school in the fall because my parents are not going to pay for it anymore so I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life and no full time job. I have applied at like 5 different banks and 2 different cell phone companies but no one is hiring and there are very few openings and they get filled quick so I don't know what to do. I could move to Ohio but I have to find a job first.

So I guess that's what I am going to try and do. There is nothing for me here anymore and I have nothing to really lose. Maybe I will go to cosmetology school or something and do hair in a salon. Who knows.

I'm just taking the long way around. And I'm fine with that.

So... I'm single. Again.

Today I will always remember and never forget Stanley Clever, a purple heart from World War II, who was a prisoner of war and escaped across the French courtyside running from the Germans, who got shot twice and still survived, and who was probably one of the greatest people and grandfathers who ever lived. Even though he died April 26, 2008 at the age of 84, he raised a huge family, leaving behind 11 grandchildren and a wonderful wife. On this memorial day, I hope he rests in peace and knows that he will never be forgotten. His memory lives in books, on tapes and documentaries, and in the hearts and minds of his family. I love you grand dad.

Well, it's been over a year.  I can't really explain how much my life has changed. I don't have any friends and I have a boyfriend who is extremely nice to me even though we get in arguments too much for what i want. I am planning on moving to Ohio by the end of the summer if nothing changes. I'm just honestly really sick of being fucked over. I just feel like I am an amazing friend yet I have none and I don't get it. I don't know maybe that's just the way life  is sometimes.

This past Christmas break I was extremely depressed. Things were basically spiraling out of control and I was drunk every day. I was late for work, sick all the time, and didn't care about anything. I lost both my jobs and pushed myself to the edge. I couldn't do it anymore so I gave up drinking. I'm still struggling with not being in the program anymore and not finishing x-ray cos that was what I really wanted to do at the time but I WILL figure out what I want to do. I WILL be successful and I WILL make money to support a family someday. It's just gonna take longer than everyone else. And I don't really care about that. I'm not Amy Fletcher or Brittany Chadick. I didn't graduate on time or get married early. I'm Sarah Clever, and I'm going to take my damn time so that I will have a good job, I'll be happy, and I won't get divorced

Annalee came into town and didn't tell me. I found out because I read her friends myspace and she told her and not me. She was supposed to be my best friend, the best one I ever had. Every time I even came CLOSE to Nashville I always told her. I always wanted to see her no matter what the situation. And she can't even tell me when she comes in town for a weekend with her baby? It just broke my heart. I couldn't believe that she would actually not tell me.  I still got to see her and we had a lot of fun, but once again it was my efforts. If it wasn't for me calling her, she never would have seen me or cared.

Belle is seriously the best dog in the world and I really don't know what I would do without her. She makes everything better and she is a damn trooper. I think it is a miracle she is alive after what happened in November. She is super dog, literally.

Anyway I got an iphone and it is seriously the shit. It is beyond a phone. It is life changing as Emily said and I absolutely love it. I am praying and hoping that I never break it and fuck it up.

My life is just bland lately. Not much excitement and a boring job. Kind of in a state where I don't really know what to do. Everyone I try to be friends with either ditches me or ignores me and I'm sick of trying. But maybe, hopefully, there is a reason.

Oh well, I'll figure it out someday.

 I wish Steven would get home or someone would call me back. I'm so fucking sick of sitting here by myself.

So I finally got my puppy. She sleeps through the night  and poops outside for the most part. She is well-behaved and healthy and I couldn't have asked for a cuter dog. I named her Belle after Beauty from Beauty and the Beast because she is a princess. I love her with my whole heart <3

Anyway, I basically failed another test in Anatomy which means I'm gonna have to work my ass off because this isn't some class I can just drop... I have to have it to get my certificate. UGH

Me and Steven's year anniversary was Tuesday and it was ok except for the fact that they charged us an extra $100 for the rent being like an hour late, they found out we had a pet so they charged us $300, and the rest of the Disney vacation money was due which was $696... long story short Steven was in a really bad mood, which SUCKED. He hasn't really been in a good mood since then. But that is a lot of money.

Thinking about what happened at Davidson today gives me chills. I've sat in that gym doing the EXACT same thing those kids were doing and that is just devastating. I feel for them and their families. At least he didn't hurt anyone else.

I wish there was something cheap and fun to do for Spring Break. I keep seeing on facebook how everyone is going to Destin, Panama City, Gulf Shores, etc and I'm not doing ANYTHING. Sucks but I guess there will be plenty more warmer times to go to the beach.

I got my bathing suit in today that I ordered and it's STILL too small. I've already returned it once and now I guess I'm gonna have to do it again. I'm becoming a fat ass.

Well I guess I'm gonna go find something productive to do. Peep

:: A strangled smile fell from your face
It kills me that I hurt you this way
The worst part is that I didn't even know
& There's a million reasons for you to go
But if you can find a reason to stay

I'll do whatever it takes to turn this around
I know what's at stake, I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance, believe that I can change
I'll keep us together WHATEVER IT TAKES ::




In 8 days, we will have been going out for a year. I never thought this would happen to me. I never thought I would find someone that made me feel like I matter. I never thought in a million years I would find someone so wonderful that I would actually be happy and living with. I HATED dating. I didn't want the guy to touch me, I didn't want to "fake talk" to them or pretend that I was enjoying myself. I hated the awkward conversations and then thanking God when they never called me again. I hated having to tell guys I didn't want to hang out... the whole thing just royally sucked ass.  But he made me feel comfortable. I could stay the night in his bed without waking up the next day and feeling gross and used. I could hug him and it felt like he actually liked being with me. And finally, for the first time in so long, I'm content and happy with my life.

I was always the only one that was single. I was always the one that was alone with no one to talk to or complain to or to relate to. Now I feel like I've finally got my turn to have a happy, healthy relationship. And I'm in love with him. I've finally found what I've been looking for all these years.

Thank you for everyone that stuck by me and watched me make the same fucking mistakes over and over. Thanks for listening to me cry and whine about me screwing myself over. I've learned, finally, after 2 and a half years of being stupid.

I guess it takes some people longer than others. But we will all find our place in this world eventually.

I said shit 4 times in that past entry. SHIT I cuss alot.

 Dude I met this sweet ass chick who buys me shit. I've only known her for like 2 weeks and she already bought me a $17 shirt from express. If that's  not a damn good friend then I don't know what is. AND she said she was gonna buy me a $40 one. HELL YES.

Anyway, I'm ready to graduate from school and get a job at a hospital and be awesome taking x-rays of gun shot wounds and shit. I really cannot wait to make a lot of money and get a yorkshire terrier and be fabulous.

I was reading a lot of my journal entries from about a year ago and I was pretty messed up. I was depressed and drunk like every single day. I'm glad I've gotten through that and I'm basically a different person now. But I don't regret anything. I'm glad I've had all of those experiences because I probably wouldn't be where I'm at today if it wasn't for going through that.

I hate people that take shits and it really stinks and then it starts stinking up the whole house. That shit sucks.

 First of all, I'm really glad that I just ate a shit load of food and I feel full for the first time since yesterday.

Second of all, I guess I'm going to start writing in here again since Lindsay reminded me of it earlier and it made me miss writing in here and letting my frustrations out.

I cannot stand having someone live with me and Steven. I mean, I thought it was going to be cool at first since there would be another girl around and I could act like her mom and cook her dinner and shit. Definitely NOT what I thought it was going to be. She eats all of our food and takes up the washing machine most of the time and never cleans her room and can't ever pay Steven on time. And I'm probably over reacting and being bitchy but I really just can't stand her living here anymore. My view of her is just so different from when she didn't live here. I guess thats why everyone always says that living together can break up a friendship.

Anyway, Radiology is so hard. The test yesterday took 3 hours and by the time i was half way through, I was so sick of it that I didn't get half of them right that I could have if it had been 3 tests on 3 different days which is what it should have been. I knew the stuff. I know I did but it was just way too much shit in one test. And I'm not down with that.

I'm tired and annoyed and I don't want to go to work or take ANOTHER test tomorrow. I guess I'll just take a nap and hope I don't wake up for a while.

PEEP PEEP!

 I freaking love my boyfriend!

And Lindsay, I never get on this thing but when I do, you never fail to make me laugh for like 10 min. Lets hang out when you get back in town.

GO AUBURN!

I'm happy.

I have a job and a boyfriend. And it's not at all how I thought it would be.

If I am another waste of everything you've dreamed of, I will let you down.

Things are looking a little better. My boyfriend is being nicer and he moved into a bigger apt. I have a job at Regions Bank and I start my training this week. I applied to the Radiology Dept and I have to go to Providence Hospital tomorrow to do my Clinical Observation. Hopefully things will continue this way.

Lindsay Baker, we need to hang out.

I've never been one to underestimate love. But lately I just dont understand it. I don't understand how you can look someone in the eye and tell them you love them when you don't. Maybe it's because you think you do at the time, but I can't comprehend that either. I just don't know how to be happy. I don't know how to think rationally and be in love anymore. It doesn't work. At least not for me. And I don't understand why. I've always thought that I'm a pretty attractive, cool girl and I don't see why I cant find someone who makes me laugh when I don't even want to smile. I can't find someone who fits me perfectly, but isn't a complete fucking asshole. I can't find someone who cares enough about me to not walk away when I'm upset. And I can't bring myself to get the fuck up and walk out on someone I love, even when they truly fucking deserve it.

People have these amazing love stories where they go out in highschool, break up, and then find each other again and get married. The one thing I asked for when i was 11 years old was to marry my first love. I wanted to be with one person, have sex with one person, my entire life. And I was cursed... my first love was jail bait and trashy. Is it because that is the only thing I ever really wanted in life, or because my life is just fucked up more than those people? I dunno. Life is weird.

And why is it that the things I want the most I can't have? I got an interview at Buckle, but Abercrombie called me into work so I couldn't go. I've applied at 4 banks, and random people call me up all the time talking about how some random woman called them and asked them to work at some random bank. Why doesn't that happen to me? I wanted an office job at South, but the woman called and told me they found someone else. I decided that next fall, I'm gonna go into radiology. So I get the application but I needed 3 references... and they didn't give me that great of a reference. Do I ever get a fucking break?

I just don't know how to live anymore. I don't know what to do, where to go, who to talk to. I feel like I have no one, and no one understands. HELL YES FOR SARAH THROWING A PITY PARTY.

Maybe I should just go to sleep. Goodnight.

SHAKE THAT BODY for me.